Please give me a concise feedback on my cae essay

#1
Your class has listened to a radio discussion on how more young people can be encouraged to study science. You have made the notes below:
-Advertising
-School programmes
-Government grants

Some opinions expressed in the discussion:
-You never see positive images of young scientists on TV, just pop stars or actors.
-Science lessons should be more practical and fun.
-If young people see science as a career, they`ll want to study it.

Write an essay discussing two of the points. You need to explain which one would be more effective in encouraging young people to study science, providing reasons to support your opinion.


Few, if any, would dispute that science has a huge bearing upon our everyday lives. Had it not been for that mysterious and mind-blowing subject, we would hardly have the living conditions like we have now. Therein lies the importance of ensuring that young people keep studying the miracles and conundrums of science. Both advertising and school programmes have been suggested as means of encouragement.

There might be a grain of truth behind the idea that advertisements can give an impetus to young people studying sciences. I assume that it is not outside the room of possibility that had the TV given more spotlight to the people assiduously devoted to the discovery of a cancer cure or other things that might enhance our quality of life instead of focusing on lives of pop stars, we would have diverted our attention towards scientists with their panoply of discoveries.

Quite aligned with the aforementioned supposition is the assumption that if there were more hours in curricula devoted to practical classes with a raft of experimental activities, the science courses would be deemed worthy of all the students’ attention. However, not only does science have some room for joy and games; perseverance is also an inalienable prerequisite thereof. Thence, students have to know the theory, if they want to succeed in practical tasks.

To conclude, it is definitely important to excite young people’s curiosity about the world surrounding them from an early age, and there is no more effective way to do so than to alter society’s perception of what a scientist really is and how significant his contributions are.
 
#2
huge is wrong word
have the living conditions we have now OR
have living conditions like we have now.
>Therein is incorrect here
miracles and conundrums???

grain of truth in
can be an impetus
realm of possibility
had TV focused more on people
on the lives of
>I don`t like panoply here


The piece has some pretty complex grammar, but yet it has obvious errors. I have indicated a few of them. I`d like to know how you study English, and how long you`ve been doing it. Thanks.
 
#3
Я не спец по САЕ, сама пока учусь писать эссе. Но, кажется, вы тему все-таки не раскрыли, то есть за Content тут низкий балл, не написали вот что:

paveltashkinov написал(а):
You need to explain which one would be more effective in encouraging young people to study science, providing reasons to support your opinion.
Не читая задания, кажется, что вы отвечаете на вопрос: Важно ли побуждать молодеж учить науку через advertising и school? А вам надо сказать, что эффективно.

UPD. А, нет, вижу, что в конце написали, что эффективнее изменить представление (через медиа видимо?). Но к этой идее очень уж тяжело пробраться через награмождение сложных слов.
 
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#5
paveltashkinov написал(а):
There might be a grain of truth behind the idea that advertisements can give an impetus to young people studying sciences.
....
To conclude, it is definitely important to excite young people’s curiosity about the world surrounding them from an early age, and there is no more effective way to do so than to alter society’s perception of what a scientist really is and how significant his contributions are.
Или вы имели в виду, что как-то по-другому, через школы освещать жизнь ученых и достижения? Я может не права, просто сначала вы пишите "Тут может быть чуточка правды есть", а потом ... "нет лучшего способа". Может быть и можно так, интересно было бы узнать мнение преподавателей, которые к САЕ готовят.

Кстати, а почему вы тогда CPE эссе не пишете? Там надо summarise и evaluate key points в двух текстах. <p class="edit-note">Сообщение отредактировано Lerein (2017-05-21 20:41:08).
Причина: &laquo;очепятка&raquo;.</p>
 
#6
Lerein написал(а):
Или вы имели в виду, что как-то по-другому, через школы освящать жизнь ученых? Я может не права, просто сначала вы пишите "Тут может быть чуточка правды есть", а потом ... "нет лучшего способа". Может быть и можно так, интересно было бы узнать мнение преподавателей, которые к САЕ готовят.

Кстати, а почему вы тогда CPE эссе не пишете? Там надо summarise и evaluate key points в двух текстах.
I am pretty aware of what is expected from me at CPE, but I have to admit that it`s a bit too tedious and mind-boggling for me yet.
My writing skills leave a lot to be desired, as for the time being.
 
#7
paveltashkinov написал(а):
I am pretty aware of what is expected from me at CPE, but I have to admit that it`s a bit too tedious and mind-boggling for me yet.
My writing skills leave a lot to be desired, as for the time being.
Мне кажется, что в CPE эссе вам проще должно быть написать, раз у вас такой словарный запас богатый.

Просто как я вижу, как надо к эссе на САЕ подходить. Посмотреть задание и сразу подчеркнуть, что хотят от нас, выбрать один самый эффективный, важный или еще какой. Дальше смотрим на первый список с методами побуждения только и думаем, есть ли какие-то идеи, чтобы выбор подтвердить или критиковать, выбираем два метода, по которым мыслей больше. Там про opinions (второй список) в задании вот такое написано: You may, if you wish, make use of the opinions expressed in the discussion, but you should use your own words as far as possible. То есть можно и свои идеи, что проще зачастую.

А потом просто по схеме:
Вступление (как у вас)
Первый - реклама и почему через неё эффективно или не очень.
Второй - школьная программа, и почему через неё эффективно.
Заключение - обобщение всего вышесказанного, и вот тут или в одном из главных параграфов надо написать, какой же именно метод вы считаете самым эффективным.
 
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#9
paveltashkinov написал(а):
Please give me a concise feedback on my CAE essay
My expertise is not exactly up to scratch here (so is your essay; sorry, couldn`t help playing with words), but, anyway, here`s what I think:
Write an essay discussing two of the points.
You seem to have done this part.

As for
You need to explain which one would be more effective in encouraging young people to study science, providing reasons to support your opinion.
You haven`t nailed it.
But it would be a breeze to you after a proper training (5-10 lessons would be sufficient, maybe less). Since you`re having a real bee in your bonnet about taking the exam, why not shoot for CPE?

Some comments.

Content 2/5

See above. You haven`t done what you were asked to do. The target reader is not fully informed.

Communicative Achievement 3-4??/5

Sometimes text might be difficult to follow. Also, communicative purpose [requirements as set in the task] is not fulfilled completely. Register is consistently formal and appropriate for the essay.

Organisation 4/5

Seems to be ok. Everything is quite logical, i.e. there`s no serious issues with coherence, albeit cohesion [the way you connect/start sentences; usage of linking devices] might require some polishing. Don`t ask for specifics. Wouldn`t mind listening to second more proficient opinion on this issue.

Language 3/5
(with chaika`s help))
Quite spectacular [someone has swallowed the thesaurus ))]. Hats off to your vocabulary range. Not sure about the usage though. One has to be a copious reader to spot all these really advanced nuances, and be able to use it effectively in writing. Also, to my mind, your grammar level exceeds CAE requirements.

Numbers may vary from reader to reader, so they are quite subjective. Therefore, any criticism in my direction is welcome )).
You might get more realistic picture after having written 10-20 essays. And not off the cuff, like I`m guessing this one has been composed. Save yourself some time and efforts, and hire a tutor. Otherwise it might be like shooting in the dark.
My writing skills leave a lot to be desired, as for the time being.
Actually they are quite alright.
 
#12
hiring a tutor to have my essays checked and to get prepared for the Speaking part.
правильное решение. Надо только быть готовым, что тьютор не готов к таким сочинениям и будет заставлять вас переписывать много раз (ну, если тьютор правильный). Даже интересно, что там с говорением =)